Thinking Empathetically

The genius of Sherlock Holmes was seeing the pattern that wasn't there – recognizing that the dog didn't bark, but should have, that something was missing from the clutter of the room, etc. It turns out that is a devilishly difficult thing to do: Our minds place the available information into patterns, but gloss over anything that isn't readily handy. Researchers have shown that we can regularly find a pattern in a sequence of numbers or shapes, but seldom do we recognize a pattern in the missing numbers or shapes.

Not only do we seldom see these patterns, but due to the way our minds work on available information, we even less frequently notice when we have blindly omitted even considering the holes. This crops up in our everyday interactions and conversations, in the ways we view ourselves and others.

Listening to a group conversation yesterday, I was struck by how this mechanism blinds us to possibilities for how others think and feel, for what may motivate them. Instead of recognizing that they didn't have the information about others' motivations and desires, and taking that into account, it was almost universally common for the various speakers to assume that the others either didn't have motivations or desires, or their motivations and desires were only of the most basest sort.

If we stop and consider, however, it doesn't make sense that only we have positive motivations, desires, hopes, fears, biases, and that our motivations, desires, etc. are unique and not universally shared by the majority of those we recognize as human. Truly, this is the key to thinking empathetically: To believe and then think and act as though those around us have dreams, just like us; that they have fears, just like us; that they have motivations and desires, just like us. That where we have found our lives shaped by forces outside of our control, perhaps they, too, have had their lives buffeted and diverted, not by lack of motivations or dreams, but in spite of them.

We are quick to give ourselves a pass when the outcome of our lives doesn't match the inputs we've made: We know the details, both of what motivated us and what outside influences either helped or hindered our achieving our goals. But we are equally quick, since this intimate information is seldom available about others we see, to assume that the lack of information is proof of lack, and that those others are deficient in those qualities, rather than realizing the truth: We just don't know.

Upon reflection, I often wonder if my own motivations and desires would by themselves be insufficient for achievement, if it weren't for the influences and stabilizing forces of the people in my life. If it wasn't for those who looked to me to provide education, shelter, and love; if it wasn't for those who looked for my advice and valued my experience in my job or my community; if it wasn't for those who demanded that I be a good friend and a good example; would I be all that I am?

So I give thanks today for all of those people who have shaped and guided my life, for those who have taught me and those he needed my teaching, for both change me. Thanks for those who have loved me, and those who have requested my love, for one is not complete without the other. Thanks for those whom I have needed, who have consoled me, encouraged me, and challenged me; and for those who have needed and accepted my consoling, my encouragement, and my challenges to them.

And I encourage you to consider that the success in your life is likely due to the richness of the people surrounding you; to the quiet, often unspoken motivation living up to their expectations places upon you and aids you; and overall, to think empathetically, to become aware of the lack of information you have about those who are struggling, and rather than discount their internal processes, consider that perhaps the determining forces are external, that they could be more if only they had a rich network of people and community. Just as those external forces awaken motivations and dreams in us and alleviate our fears, the less successful others in our community have motivations and dreams, and rather than condemning them by failing to recognize that we don't have the proper information, we need to consider always that they may not be so different from us.

Modern research may have illuminated the mechanism and given it a name, but the ancients knew and understood it well, and crafted a simple reminder to overcome this availability bias. So, today, as we bow our heads in humility at what we have gained during our lives, I remind you to retain the humility for the knowledge you don't have, and to remember:

“Judge not an individual until you have first walked a mile in their shoes.”